During writing I collect my favourite quotes from the Souls of Anatemia novels...enjoy reading them as I still do...

 

Book 1: “You aren’t in a game now,” she said. “You can’t go around talking about murdering people as if you’re talking about buying cheese.”

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Book 1: “Yeah well if that bitch tries again I’ll rip her eyes out and shove them down her knickers so she can see me kicking her arse," she snapped

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Book 5: Sargain frowned. “You’ve been using a pram to hit skeletons?”

“Only when my chair broke,” Kaylia replied.

 

Book 5: "That was awesome, with the hair catching fire thing.”

Ilyana blinked. “It caught fire again?”

Serelle stared. “Might want to look into that."

 

Book 5: “Have at you!” He yelled swiping skeletons. “I took a course in badass you know! Aha!”

“Is he a god or a national emergency?” Wisht asked.

 

Book 4: “And I rather like me, in fact I’m very fond of me, I’m like that old dress that still has its magic, so I don’t want to cease,” said Serelle

 

Book 5: “We need to get infected by the priests,” he continued.

Kaylia glared at him. “Define, ‘infected.”

 

Book 4: Jere beamed triumphant. “Moral of der story is careful wot you wishes for, and dunt piss me off, you trumped up little minx.”

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Book 3: She looked round at Norm who was lying in a crumpled heap, she could tell with her priestess senses that he had a broken arse.

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Book 4: “Ok guys,” he held up his hands defensively. “We have to ascertain that one of these two appalling statements is actually true.”

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Book 3: “You were a student! How can you have only a read one book?”

Irran shrugged. “When you’ve got Wikipedia and Google what more do you need?”

 

Book 5: Stef gave up, and closed her eyes in exasperation. “I fail at people,” she moaned.

 

Book 2: “Yeah, should try that, another useful skill,” Irran said thoughtfully.

“Maybe you could learn how to be a decent mage,” Kaylia replied.

 

Book 2: After a moment a single Scallywag warrior staggered out of the brush, saw them, grinned, raised his sword and fell over.

 

Book 5: “If you were a cake it’d be a beautiful sponge with decorative icing and fresh fruit, but inside there'd be a painfully spiky metal ball.”

 

Book 4: I’ll do whatever I feel like frankly, so go on, fuck off and be useless elsewhere, you’re wasting the space on my carpet.

 

Book 2: Kaylia blinked. “There’s a what in the bathroom?”

“A goblin!”

Orsha boggled. “What’s it doing there?”

“It smells like it’s been sick.”

 

Book 5: Necromancers *sighs* They may start out just wanting to bring back dear ole mum but they always end up knee deep in skeletal minions cackling at the sky

 

Book 2: The honest traditions of top players ganking the newbies and teabagging their hapless corpses have already begun.

 

Book 4: He has problems thinking actions and consequences, in our language this condition is called Ashkhiara Dolviskia Dotrimondo or ADD for short.

 

Book 4: are there other surprises? Is Norm part vegetable? Is Irran a failed magical experiment?”

“Neither of those would be surprises,” said Wisht

 

Book 2: “I am not going to bother, trying to stop you is like trying to put out the fires of hell with a water pistol,” Kaylia said.

 

Book 4: “What would you tell your fourteen year old self?” Elena asked.

“Don’t sleep with Ceilia, that shit’ll come back to haunt you.”

 

Book 3: “Kaylia’s cool, just…a bit spiky,” Stef said.

Sargain made a face “Just a bit spiky? Ever tried hugging a porcupine?”

 

Book 4: "Why do you persist in not showing the proper courtesy afforded to your goddess?”

“Well when I met her she just told me to call her Stef"

 

Book 3: Our order established long ago that if you a live a path of pure righteousness you’ll get slaughtered because bad guys don’t play fair.

 

Book 1: it does make me look a bit of an idiot I’ll confess.”

Kaylia smiled at him. “No you make yourself look an idiot, the dress just makes you look yellow.”

 

Book 6: can you be a strong woman Irran?”

“Definitely,” he said nodding.

Malgwyn shook his head. “Everything about this conversation is wrong.

 

Book 1: “Are you insulting my Minotaur beefcake?!” He exclaimed in a booming voice which caused some laughter over teamchat.

“I won’t play anything I can eat in a sandwich,” was Dan’s straight man reply which caused more laughter.

 

Book 1: “No! No! NO!” The mage trainer shouted at him again. “I asked for a small fireball to hit the target like an arrow! Not blow the target apart in a shower of burning straw!”

“I hit the target though,” Ian insisted.

“What if your companions ask you to light a fire? Are you going to burn the whole forest down and then claim that at least there is a fire?”

 

Book 7: Kaylia normally was pretty volatile, but on her period she was like a coiled cataclysm waiting for a reason to unfold and consume.

 

Book 6: “You have to work your shift,” said the pirate. “That’s the crows nest for you.”

Norm shook his head. “If it is under three months I do not have to work any notice.”

The pirate narrowed his eyes and jerked a thumb over the side of the boat. “Fine, if you’d like to get off now?”

Norm looked out to the ocean, miles and miles of ocean and nodded. “How do I get up there?”

 

Book 3: Mr Boff (7) the newly created goblin minister for shouting was kind enough to speak us and said. “De Boss is Boss, cos he Boss, right”.

 

Book 3: the ornate architecture over the massive door looming above them.

“Very nice,” Scipio said. “I like the decorative work, gives a sense of importance and magnificence.”

Boff squinted up at it. “Dat dem twiddly bits?”
“Yes Boff,” said Scipio.

Boff nodded. “Oi like dem.”

 

Book 2: she has been labelled ‘violent’ and we’ll issue a warning,” the guard looked worried. “Just as soon as one of the lads has the courage to go in there.”

 

Book 2: “Thank you sir, a pleasure doing business with you sir,” he said without emotion.

Ren looked at him. “You don’t mean that sentence,” he said.

The vendor truly smiled, probably for the first time. “Would you prefer me to say fuck off and mean it?”

 

Book 4: Queen Erriesta once bit an Orcs ear off in battle and no-one batted an eyelid.”

“Probably because they were worried she’d do the same to them.”

 

Book 7: “Why do I love these shoes? They’re not even comfortabl,e” Ilyana asked.

“Duh,” said Tia. “You love shoes because shoes.”

“Girl logic,” said Kellie.

 

Book 7: Lominal spun around, “Alright that’s fucking it! Where the fuck are you? You little bitch!”

A disembodied voice right by his ear said softly and sinisterly. “I’m everywhere.”

 

Book 3: Krispin looked utterly lost “I’m sorry, I’m not quite sure what’s going on here, who did you say you were?”
“I said that I am you,” said the shadow.

Krispin looked down. “But I’m me,” he said. “I’d know me anywhere, I’ve been me for as long as I can remember, I’m not you, I’d know about it, I’m at least reasonably sure on this account.”

 

Book 6: The steamcar finally puffed out of Candelaria a cool thirteen minutes and twelve seconds late. “You can tell Englishmen designed this game,” said Barraton. “The trains are running late.”

 

Book 6: She snarled at him then barged his pony with her bear, sending him crashing into a cheese stall, which collapsed around him in a hail of wooden splinters and vintage cheddar.

 

Book 6: “What do you mean he was asleep in a bin?” Orsha asked.

 

Book 1: “How can this be inside a rat?” Ren asked shaking the chainmail shirt. “Do rats live entirely on archery and chainmail sandwiches?

 

Book 2: “Might want to invest in something a little more suitable?” Irran suggested.

Barraton fanned himself slightly. “In this heat that’s naked or nothing,” he said.

“Isn’t that just naked or naked?” Orsha asked.

“She has a point,” said Sargain the voice of sense pointed out.

 

Book 2: and she would not share a bathroom with someone who probably only changed his underwear when they no longer bent

 

Book 7: her solution was to just yank the boot harder, loose balance and with a slight squeak fall face first to the floor.

Book 7: the hair though…she stared at it again…before she located a hair brush and looked at it. “Sorry brush. You’re gonna die,” she said meaningfully.

 

Book 7: Ren shook his head. “Bloody women and shoes,” that was when he realised he was standing as the lone man with five women “You’re all the same,” he said picking out the decoration for his grave just as the digging was complete.

 

Book 7: “This would be the goddess you’re claiming is disguising herself as a human, a male and a leveller, and taking time out from that busy schedule to go shoe shopping and casually dump you in the river?”

 

Book 7: “The loan shark was kind enough to remind me that I have a skill I have never used, what am I?” He asked opening his arms out wide.

“An idiot,” said Tia.

“No,” Norm replied.

“A fat idiot?” Kaylia suggested

 

Book 7: “One woman’s shoe,” he said of the little ballet slipper with healing stats.

“Holy shit,” Stef said shocked. “He stole some poor girls shoes?”

“Shoe,” Irran corrected. “He’s only pinched the one.”

 

Book 7: “You are your own gender,” said Sargain.

 

Book 9: “Kaylia why do you have a transparent teenager following you around?” Ilyana asked.

“I have created a wight,” she said nodding.

“A wight,” Ilyana frowned looking at her. “You turned a teenage girl into a powerful undead lord?”

Kaylia nodded. “Yeah…so?”

 

Book 7: Kaylia raised an angry finger. “He tries to turn me into a demon I will kill him! I’m on my period, I’m pretty sure I’m legally allowed to kill him!”

Elena smiled. “Norm, is Kaylia legally allowed to kill someone when she’s on her period?” She asked the lawyer.

He inhaled deeply. “I’d like to see a jury have the nerve to say otherwise.”
 

Book 8: Stef shook her head at the whole situation.

Ceilia looked at her. “Well this is surreal, is it always like this?” She asked

“No,” Stef began. “Sometimes it’s worse.”

                                                                                    

Book 8: “Krispin!” Ren more or less shouted.

“Yes? What? Oh you’re being attacked.”

“Yes I’m being attacked!!” Ren yelled desperately fending off a skeleton and a pair of Feltchin. “Do you want to help me or is that ancient urinal more important than my life!?”

“Looking at it more closely I think I would say it is more likely to be some kind of ancient drinking fountain.”

“Krispin!!”

“Oh yes sorry, yes.”

 

Book 11: She made an unhappy face. “Apparently I am learning a new lesson about being alive, and being a girl.”

Elena grimaced. “Oh Stef I’m sorry.”

Kellie also adopted sad face. “Aww Stef,” she said.

Ren looked totally confused. “There’s a secret language that only women use,” he said as the only man in the room.

 

Book 5: “You call on me to do the work, what about your own god?” Ilyana shouted back. “Isn’t that what he’s supposed to do?”

“I could call on him,” Ren suggested warily “But last time he was a little…”
“Someone call on a god?” Vilm asked in a loud booming cheerful voice.

“Oh shit he’s here,” Ren moaned.

 

Book 11: “When we first met him I assumed he was gay for how he what he was like with his mannerisms and such,” said Elena. “But we know that basically he’s a bi-sexual manwhore.”

 

Book 11: “Where did she go?”

“Ha,” Hamlo began. “Looks like she’s been taken to see an elven goddess after all.”

“Quick let’s get out of here before she gets given back!” Pania said urgently.

 

Book 12: “Shut up you word prostitute.”

Ian squawked.

The author laughed. “Now that’s the goddess I’ve heard of.”

 

Book 12: “Yes fine alright, there isn’t anyone else like me.”

Ian squawked.

“Expert hermaphrodite weaver of illusion, yes,” she looked at him. “I probably should be angry with you but I’ll grudgingly give you that one.”

 

Book 12: “How are they doing?”
“Kaylia just punched her sister,” Ilyana replied.

Leytine looked at her. “Is that a good thing?”

“Oh definitely,” said Ilyana.

 

Book 12:  she did jazz hands. “So watch out! I’m about!” The steamcar halted and she lost her balance falling forward to the floor with a squeak.

                                                          

Book 12: “What would a dwarf and a goblin make if they could breed?”

“A Gworf?” Dirk suggested.

“A Dwoblin,” said Syldor. “A bearded green squat.”

 

Book 12: Yenny smiled. “Yeah! See!” She waved her arms. “I’m a hero! Love me!”

“Nice try.” said Chlola.

 

Book 12: “Youse pisses em off dey biteses youse, youse gets poisoned youse as to takes der antidotes or youses hurts and goes poop.”

 

Book 12: The goddess Ilyana suddenly realised that she had started breathing, she frowned. “Wait…am I…mortal?”

Book 13: “Holy shit” said Lieithu staring at the apparition. “Who’s she?” She paused “…and does she know she’s on fire?”

Book 13: “I’m not being a flower,” Kaylia said firmly.
Orsha held up a finger. “I’m pretty sure that last night in the presence of King Gaunder I suggested that the next time there was an opportunity to save the world that only a select few people can do, you should be one of those to volunteer and you said, ‘damn right I will!” 

Book 13: “Well I presume that you would like this?” She held up a book from beneath the table. “A copy of my book, ‘Travels in the Highlands of Thoria, a walkers journal, with extra dinosaurs.”

Book 13: Sargain spoke seriously. “You’re going to wipe out every single person on Thoria.”
“Yes,” said Siekram. “Wipe the land clean for new life to come one day again, pure and whole.”
Once again there was silence…
Kaylia looked at those with her. “What have we done?” She said in a horrified voice as the ground erupted behind her… 

Book 14: She glared at Sargain. “You’re asking me to be thankful because of this?” M’Veya Kaylia asked. “That I should be grateful that I’m a fucking flower girl?” 
Sargain nodded. “You have only just been created, without this you would not be alive at all.”

Book 14: M’Veya Kaylia sneered at him. “You say that all M’Veya do what you say and know their place, but this one,” she pointed at herself. “Isn’t like the others, we didn’t come into this like the rest so quite frankly we’re out of the rules,” she gave him a mirthless smile. “The three of us are going to go out there and find a way to undo your absurd stupidity. So forgive us if we don’t buy into this self-martyrdom that the rest of you are so fucking fond of, we’re going to go out there and try to fix this.”

Book 14: “Kaylia you have no leg to stand on,” said Barraton wading in and for once able to defeat the Kaylia. “You said that exact thing to me, now you’ve joined the moo.” 
“Call of Cthumoo,” said Ilyana from wherever she was.

Book 15: Ren put a hand on her shoulder. “I hate to break you away from that spider related montage of super crazy there my love but there’s a wall of moo coming towards us.”

Book 15: “Absolutely,” said Kellie. “Let’s take them out.”
“Not very honourable is it?” A girl ranger asked the paladin.
Kellie wrinkled her face. “I’m having a day off.”

Book 15: The mage glared at Ren. “Fuck you warrior, I hope you die in real life.”
Everyone stared at him. “Wow,” said the elf priestess. “You’re insane.” 
“Dude,” said a human rogue. “You have issues.”

Book 15: “Oh Sargain’s had me locked up,” said Stef.
“Woah,” said Irran. “Domestics?”
“It’s not domestics,” said Sargain.
“It might become it,” Stef warned.

Book 15: Wisht looked at the windows. “Kaylia, did you just drop through the floor, scream at us, blow out the windows and then fuck off?”

Book 15: “Kaylia has been turned into a necromancer,” said Sargain.
“Again?” Annie asked.

Book 15: “Are you sure about this?”
Josephine nodded. “Absolutely, definitely…” she carried on nodding though she didn’t look like she believed herself. “…I’m pretty sure.”